You know, I don’t really know how this part of my life started, or how I’d gotten in so deep that I find myself becoming what I always hated in a person. No, that’s not entirely true, I know. It began in her eyes. As soon as I stared into deep hazel green, I was lost and on a path I had no control over. Her name is Katlin Masters. I should really give her full title, Mrs. Katlin Masters, and as you can see that is where the problems lie. Yep, she’s married.
I had vowed through my young life that I would never get involved with anyone that was attached, married or otherwise. My parents had split when I was ten, my mother had found someone else, and through the divorce and years to follow I watched my father become a shadow of a man right up to his death at the age of forty. I was thirteen when he died, and then brought up by an aunt who really didn’t want me around. I had no siblings and I never talked to my mother since the day she walked out of our lives. So I swore I would never be a cause of that much pain and destruction to another.
I left my aunt as soon as I could, to embark on the great adventure that is life. Making my way in the world, doing various jobs just to pay the rent, eventually I found my niche. I started a job as a sales assistant in a small old vintage bookshop. The owner was old and took on a grandparent role, and I was tucked safely under his guiding wing and taught everything he knew about rare books. But most of all it was the first time I was allowed to grow as my own person.
When I was in my twenties I discovered and accepted that I was gay, and I didn’t hang about trying out the various females around. Along the way I began the first stages of really finding who I was. Strong, stubborn and determined when my mind was set, nothing or no one would get in my way. To some I was an ice bitch with no heart, to others I wasn’t to be messed with. I also at that age seemed to move from the gawky teenager into something that could make a woman’s eye dance with want. I used all of my attributes to get what I wanted. I found a power inside that seemed to glow, and I loved feeding it.
By my thirties I had sowed my wild oats as it were, and turned my brain and body more to wanting a career. My adopted grandfather died in the middle of that age, and for a while I was a lost teenager again, wondering what I had done to fate for it to treat me in such a way. His love was unconditional and one that I trusted. But even in death he looked out for me and left me the shop where I had started. Now I own three more around the city, I travel when needed to search the globe for rare precious manuscripts. My business pays the bills and allows me many luxuries.
My forties, the age I find myself at now, are more about acquiring the finer things in life; a beautiful apartment just outside the city, a car that gets me glances in the street, holidays away in sunny sea spread beaches. Yes I was alone but only when I wanted to be, if I didn’t I had women who were willing to ease the loneliness when needed. I didn’t want a relationship, I was set in my ways, I liked things done my way with no complication.
I was happy, or so I thought. But fate, kismet, destiny, whatever you want to call it, doesn’t seem to listen to the logic of life. Because as soon as I laid eyes on Katlin I felt some part of me hitch a breath of want. But most of all it howled what was missing from my life, the loneliness and the fact that I never truly wanted anything before in my entire life and I suddenly did now. I wanted her, to wake next to her, to share everything with her. She and I were introduced on the 15th of May 2002, and by the 29th of October we had become lovers. It was against every single one of my beliefs but I still couldn’t stay away from her, and she couldn’t fight the need any more than I could. Oh, I fought it, believe me. I knew she was married, and as I said, this to me is one big ”No Go” zone. I denied my body’s response to her nearness, I even avoided her, but all the time my mind was filled with her. I guess you could call it an obsession if you wanted to, but I knew it was more than that. Katlin never lied to me, she told me from the start that she would never leave her husband because she would lose her two sons, and the rest of her family would be shamed beyond belief. But she also couldn’t fight the want, she had to be with me, even if it meant she might lose everything.
I told her it didn’t matter, I was happy for the time we did have, but deep down I knew it did. But as soon as I was in her arms or lying next to her with my body caught in the afterglow of our lovemaking, that part was always forgotten. Katlin was living two lives. One was the wife, the mother, the car pooler, the committee member, the housewife. But when she comes to me, she is the seductress, the lover, and the dreamer. She juggles both. If something were to be dropped, it was I. Katlin was two sides of the same coin, and I loved both deeply. So we made a life of sorts with each other, stolen moments, the odd weekends, and life continued in the shadows.
For nearly two years we lived this life, and here we are, 6th October 2004, and still nothing has changed. That is except me. I want more. It started small inside me, that need. Through the first year we were both caught up in the whirlwind of the danger of secrets, it added spice to our love life. Into the second year together I think we both realized something had truly changed, neither of us could mask the fact that we were now in love. Stolen moments didn’t seem to be enough anymore. I stayed quiet when intimate dinners were cancelled. I remained understanding when a weekend planned for months was rearranged because of something happening at her end. I put away the hurt every lonely Christmas and birthday, holding on to each precious phone call on those days if she could get away for a moment. Yes, I held on to them as if they were a life line and my life depended on it. I knew from the beginning when I gave in to the need that this would happen, I accepted the price for loving her. But by each passing month it became harder. I held back the part that wanted her to go to hell, when she was talking on the phone and I’d hear her voice change and some lie come out of her mouth, when her husband or family came into the room and I was referred to as a wrong number or something less. I put away the disgust, knowing when she came to me that she was sharing his bed. I fought the images of them together till the point my brain wanted to explode. Yes, I kept it all inside, the rage at always being second. Because above it all, I knew if I made her choose, I would lose.
We didn’t talk of future any more. At the beginning we did, we planned a place together after the boys were old enough to understand. Our life what we wanted, beholding to no one but ourselves. I hadn’t really noticed when we had stopped doing that. Thinking back, I’m sure it was at the beginning of the second year when things changed for us and we realized it was no longer a game. Talking about our future only brought pain not joy, and so it was dropped. Occasionally, when we had more than an afternoon or an evening together and had managed to arrange a weekend that wasn’t cancelled, we spent every hour of those forty-eight together, locked away in our world, then we would talk about the future in whispers. But by the end of the weekend, when she was in my arms crying before she left, those words only became cuts on our hearts, because reality would rush into our world as soon as the door was opened for her to leave. I think one of the hardest things I have ever done is make my arms let go of her on those days. I’d rather have fought a lion, because I’m sure the wounds I would have gotten in that battle wouldn’t come anywhere near the ones my heart and soul wore as I stood there alone, hearing the click of the closing door as she left. I hate that sound, it’s so final, like a pistol shot in the dark. The other I have come to loath is the ticking clock. I have spent too many hours to mention waiting for her, slowly going mad as I watch each second pass, wondering what had happened this time. Waiting for either the sound of her key in the door with relief, or the phone ringing with dread.
I fought the need to go to her every day, to just get in the car and drive to her house, stomp into the house gather her in my arms and walk out with her like some kinda white knight to save her. But I knew that was the selfish side, the one who didn’t think about the boys or her family, but most of all the side that didn’t think of her. So why do I stay, I hear you cry? Because through the pain and the rage, I see the truth in her. I see in her eyes the tears and the torment when she leaves, caught between what her heart and soul wants and needs, and the obligation and love she has for her family. I hear the sorrow in her voice when she has to cancel our meetings, or prearranged dinners, or weekends. But more importantly, when I hold her close, so close our skin touches everywhere, breathing and tasting each other, and so deep inside I can feel her pulse and it stops my heart. I see every time in her eyes as she soars and explodes with me. I see the love so pure, so strong, so needing, that she grabs me so tight to her that I have marks. And when I hold her while she cries her love onto me, then I see the pain and the trapped look in her eyes. She wants everyone to be happy, to not hurt, to be the perfect person everyone wants. I know she wants me and needs me just as much as I want and need her, but above it all I see the fear of losing me. I see all that, and feel exactly the same, so that is why I stay.
So I silence the rage, I silence the injustice, and in silence I stand back into the shadows just waiting for her rays to touch me to life. But still underneath it all howls the wolf of wanting more. It drives me crazy waiting for her, and that is what I’m doing now, waiting. I know where all these thoughts have come from, I don’t need it in writing to know the cause. The cause is in the glass cupped in my hands, good old fashion booze. The releaser of truth, the number of pain, the whisperer of jealousy and anger.
She’s late, more than three hours now. After the first hour I busied myself with getting things perfect for her when she walked in the door, by the second I started drinking to silence the voices that screamed at me and the damn sound of the clock. Now it’s the third, and that is when I reach the truth inside as always, and all of the above starts again and again. Taking me back, step by step, over the two years. I think that it has become my penance, or torture? As of yet I hadn’t made up my mind which.
I look over my shoulder to the table set out with now half burnt candles, Champagne on ice, ruby roses in the center crystal vase. I gulp down the whiskey as I rise, ignoring its harshness on the back of my throat. Licking my fingers, I silently extinguish each tiny flickering flame, the ”hisst hisst” of each seems to hang just as heavy in the air as the acid smoke from the now smoldering wicks. Next, as always, is the oven. I can’t be bothered to clean up in the mood I’m in so I just switch it off, knowing already that the meat inside is cooked beyond edible. Switching off the kitchen light as I move back into the living room, the only light around me is the flickering glow of the fire, the music of Dido filters somewhere into the back of my near drunken brain.
It’s funny, you know, when you stare into the dancing inferno of a fire, how quickly it can calm restless thoughts… yellow, red, orange, indigo, they are all there you know. Like some twisted robe of fate. Even the crackling of the wood seems like some sick joke of someone laughing at me, but it’s the flames that hypnotize. Each one seems to pulse brighter with an unknown joining, growing, feeding, like a passion. ”Oh god” I know where that thought takes me, I can feel my body responding as soon as her naked image pops into my head, but that just makes me angrier right now. I’m up again, this time to fill my glass. I swallow, letting the burning in my throat join with the burning of my skin.
I pause as I hear her key in the door, both cursing and welcoming the increased beat in my chest at the sound of her angelic voice.
” God… baby I’m so sorry… I just couldn’t ge……”
She freezes in mid sentence, her eyes going first to the table, then to the fire. I watch as her smile falters, and her eyes dim with recognition and regret. And yes, a moment of pain as she finally looks over to me, seeing by the look on her face she has remembered why tonight was so important to me. I have to look away as her eyes fill with sorrys. Her steps are slow as she approaches, each heel clips clips on to my marble tiled floor like some lost long ago echo. Then she stops. I know she can smell the alcohol on my breath, she is that close now. So close that I can hear her shallowed breathing, so close I can smell her scent. Her eyes dip to the glass in my hand. For a moment we stand there like that, saying nothing. I’m not looking at her, I can’t, because I know she will see the anger gathering strength in my eyes. When her hand touches my arm I flinch, but she doesn’t take it away, nor do I move from it.
” I’m… I’m sorry.” her voice no more than a whisper.
I squeeze my eyes tight shut against the disappointment and pain that always comes when she says those words. How many times have I heard that from her, god. I don’t trust my voice or my thoughts, so I say nothing as I shrug and turn from her.
She still stands in the same place, unsure now about what next to do. I caught the turmoil that swirled within a sea green tempest of emotion as I turned away from her.
” I…. I tried to get away, I swear I did…. It was just, John had… Well, I tried…to.”
You know anger can be strange sometimes, it can actually feel like it’s a living thing under your skin, moving, squirming, pulsing, breathing. Because right then as I listened to her excuses, the serpent growing in me bit down on my heart, and for one moment filled it with the pure venom of hatred that filled my vision with redness. I spun around at her, watching her head jerk back and her eyes blink in surprise.
” Don’t, ok, just don’t, I don’t want to hear it… not tonight.”
She lowers her head, nodding, and bites down on her bottom lip, which I know is her way of trying not to cry. Silence again reigns, but still I can feel the serpent waiting in the pit of my stomach, the only thing keeping it at bay is the fact I’m drinking.
” Please don’t drink any more.”
I pause, the glass at my lips, looking over the rim of it at her. ” Why?”
She looks up. ” Because it’s not you, Lee.”
I feel my frown and the question rise inside, not completely sure what the hell that means. ” Wh…at?”
She sighs heavily and throws her bag onto the chair. ” Drinking…. Being like this.”
I laugh out loud. Katlin just stared at me as she sat, a sad look spreading across her face. I waved my arm wide, then had to catch myself as the drunken dizziness blurred my vision for a moment. ” Oh, believe me, this is me darrrrlin! In all my glory.” I knew my voice was a cross between bitterness, anger and very slurred.
”No.” her answer was strong, but I heard the undercurrent as it shook.
I looked over to her. ”No? No, as in what?”
Her face tilted back for a moment, her eyes looking around for something I didn’t know, then they looked right into my soul. I felt the spark. I felt the jolt, just like the first time across the room at the dinner party. I swallowed.
” No Lee, this isn’t you…. This is what I made you.” Her face falls and I see the regret move over it.
Maybe if I hadn’t been so drunk I would have understood what she meant, but right then I didn’t have a clue. So I snorted in disgust, and took another drink. She moved so fast it made my head spin, the glass was grabbed from my hand and thrown across the room.
” Don’t, god damn it. Don’t do this to yourself.”
I felt the rage and the serpent strike again. ” Don’t what? Care? Love? Need? Want? Name one, Katlin, I’ll try not to do it for you…. Jesus.”
I pull my hand through my hair in frustration, trying to get it away from my face, feeling the walls closing in. Her hand grabs my arm again, but this time I pull away.
” No. God damn it, no. I’m tired, I’m hurt… I hate this Katlin, I fucking hate this, the waiting, the wanting. All of it.. And you, Jesus, you.”
I take two strides to her so that I’m virtually touching her, looking down at her, my anger making me tremble. ” And you just come in and then walk away…. So don’t tell me who I am, because darling you don’t see enough of me to know…”
Her eyes zeroed in on mine as I spoke, this time they were dancing in a different way, in anger. ” Do you think it’s easy for me to come here each time and see what I’m doing to you? Don’t you think I hate myself when I forget things like tonight and what they mean, and the fact I’ve let you down once again?”
Her eyes flick to the table then return their lock onto mine.
” Don’t you think I care Lee? That I feel pain, knowing you’re waiting here going stir crazy and that it’s my fault. Don’t you think I get just as mad at having to watch a clock counting the minutes until I can get away and come here… and all I can say every damn fucking time is that I’m sorry, knowing those words mean nothing to you now….”
She suddenly turns away, her fists clenching in contractions at her side, then spins back, her eyes wild. ” For fuck sake Lee, this isn’t a game anymore to me… to us.”
She took a long, ragged breath. ” And don’t you know how much I hate myself that every damn day I’m hurting the person I love…. Don’t you think I want to spend every fucking minute with you… To know what it would be like to spend a normal life…without lies, without pretending. ” She inhaled deeply, again closing her eyes for a moment.
When they opened I could see the tears glistening in the corners. ” Don’t you think I lie awake wondering that, dreaming of being with you all the time, every day, every night… God, Lee, sometimes you can be so self obsessed, this isn’t only about you, ok. This isn’t always about you. I have fucking wants and needs too. ”
I couldn’t stop the serpent this time, it was feeding off her words. ” Me! Self obsessed.”
I threw back my head and laughed. ” Oh brother is that a good one coming from you…. Always about me?”
She stared at me, her own serpent now dancing in her eyes, hiding the pain.
” I’m the one who’s on hold Katlin, my life not yours… You leave here and go back to your life… while I sit here wondering how the fuck I’m going to kill the agony in my chest and get on with mine….”
I thump the place above my heart as I spoke, watching her eyes fill with tears, but I ignore them. ” I cancel trips on the off chance you will keep a promise of being here… I wait around on the off chance you will phone, I go out with friends and make a damn curfew on their time because you send me a message that you need to see me…. Then, oh god, then… you cancel.”
I wipe the tears from my cheek, annoyed that just saying the words hurts so much. ”Always about me. Give me a fucking break here. You, Katlin, or more to the point your family, is what this is about; their time, their needs, their wants and your goddamn obligations to them always first. So don’t get me started on that ok.”
I finally reigned in the serpent, knowing it was getting to the darkest part of my unsaid words. I stomped to the liquor cupboard, drew a fresh glass, and filled it, downing it in one. I could feel her eyes boring into my back, I didn’t need to look at her to know she was trembling both with rage and sorrow.
” God damn you Lee….”
She gulps air for a moment. ” I know, ok, I know… I’ve told myself everything you just said a thousand times…… I don’t like it any more than you do. But you knew this Lee, you knew this before we started. I never lied to you ……… ”
She steps closer her voice lowering. ” You knew I have a life away from you that I can’t walk away from…I can’t lose my boys, I… I… just can’t hurt them like that…. You’ve been to that place Lee, I thought you understood.”
Her voice catches as she finishes, pain ebbing from her like an aura and even through the red haze in my eyes I can see it, and yes I saw the fear too… the fear of realizing that this isn’t enough for me anymore. But I ignore it, now that the serpent is out it won’t go back unfed.
” Yes I knew… I’ve paid the price for knowing that every damn day, ok… but it doesn’t make it easier knowing…I know you don’t want to hurt them and god knows I’d never want the boys to feel what I did… But for fuck sake, what about hurting me, hurting you…. Where was that part written that it would be like this?”
I was raving and pacing now, the full reign on the anger gone. ” I hate the fact you leave me to go to them, I hate the fact I’m not any part of your life or the boys… I hate knowing every single thing about them to the point I already love them like they were part of me. Knowing that they don’t even know I’m alive. I hate seeing the agony in your eyes every time you leave me, and hearing it on the phone every damn fucking night.”
I take a long shuddering breath to try and free the constrictor latched onto my throat. ” I hate seeing you cry Katlin. Seeing the guilt sometimes breaking you. God damn it… I hate so much about this situation you wouldn’t believe.”
Then finally I forced my eyes to hers. ” But most of all I hate that to keep the peace you fuck him, then come here to fuck… me.”
I stopped too late as the forbidden words hissed out of my mouth, watching as her mouth fell open and her breathing stopped. Two agony filled green eyes just stared at me in shock. Finally she found her voice again as she reigned in a gulp of shuddering air.
” You k…knew. I ..?”
Part of me actually found it funny, the expression on her face and the fact that she thought I was that naive. ” Jesus ” a half laugh came out, then I slammed my jaw shut on it as I felt the bile rise at the images thrown up at me.
” Do you think I’m stupid Katlin? Do you think that I thought for two years you haven’t been with him…. You’re his wife… what better way to make sure he suspects nothing… No, I knew it and I accepted it. I didn’t like it but I knew that would be part of the deal with us. That’s not what I’m talking about.”
I took a long gulp from the glass as I paused, even now unable to say it out loud. Knowing I wasn’t being fair to her didn’t mean a thing right then.
As I looked at her I realized something. ” I know you, Katlin. Everything about you, even when you hide things…. So yes, I knew exactly when you had been with him… like tonight for instance… I know to get away from him you fucked him first to keep the fucking peace!”
I bit my tongue, tasting the copper of blood, when I saw her eyes jump open in guilt. Then she let out a sob, something between the sound of a child and an animal in pain. The anger vanished from her eyes and new tears emerged, her strength seemed to evaporate with their appearance and she slumped to sit.
” Oh god.”
I took another drink. ” Yea, oh god.”
Then, slowly, as I watched her shaking body and the agony she was lost in, I felt the serpent retreat. Leaving behind the dull throbbing ache of knowing there was no going back from this. Suddenly I didn’t want the drink in my hand, I didn’t want the truth it always showed me, I wanted to go back to the fantasy with her. I could feel a small echo inside me resurfacing through the haze. One last part of me that still yelled inside the real truth, a scream that built so strong it made my whole body vibrate… the voice that was always there with her. A part of me that at this moment was weeping just as much as her. Love. It broke a sob from me that raped me raw, with a yell I threw the glass into the fire…. Watching as the whiskey caught and flared outward from the grate like the hand of the devil.
” God damn it god damn it god damn it.” I didn’t know I was actually talking out loud, or that at some point I had fallen to my knees. I didn’t know anything right then except the feelings inside me, pain and loss.
I felt her crawl next to me, her hands pulling my hair back and going to my face. Felt her drag me into her embrace while she sobbed lost broken words into my mouth as we kissed. Feeling it change to something wild and free of pain… gasping as I felt the passion growing within me like a burning laughter that left me aching in every pore for more. When I opened my eyes, my heart stopped at the lust staring back at me. It sobered me with its power.
We paused, both breathless with emotion, her hands in my hair, my arms on her waist and we looked at each other. Seeing past the eyes of the serpent of pain and jealousy, seeing each other again. I watched her swallow and the tip of her tongue peek out and lick her lips, again I felt the jolt. Then a rage began within me, a different kind of rage, a rage that comes from your very core and soul, the rage of wanting someone until your skin burned. I saw the same fireflies dance around her, flushing her skin to a deep pink of want. We came together so fast I felt my lips bruise, our clothes were torn, ripped, bitten, anything to get that barrier away, thrown aside in a struggle of need…. Un-aimed kisses became fierce, strong, burning brands to our souls… Words of love and want and need were yelled over the pounding of our hearts.
Soon our skin exposed, touched, melded, merged with moans of lust, every surface area searching for an anchor to lock onto as she crawled on top of me, the contact slightly quenching the need within us. I arched as she bit my breasts, leaving her mark of ownership, rubbing against her as her hands burned a trail of heat across my skin. I screamed the name of god as I felt her enter me hard and fast… Murmured her name through my inhaled ragged breaths as I felt her brand me, scratch me, claim me. Tried to breathe through the pressure building throughout the inferno that had once been my body with each kiss, lick, caress she bestowed. Groaned as I felt her wetness streak across my thigh as she ground against me with her want, need, and love. Seeing it all in her eyes as she threw herself against me each time, her exhales caught up in the grunts and groans of passion.
I grabbed her hair so tight she cried out as I pulled her head back to claim her lips in a kiss that left them bleeding as my teeth nipped at them. I felt the need inside growing, spreading, pulsing, as I rocked my hips against hers, my hands going around her, pulling her down to rest on me, welcoming her full weight, raising my legs to wrap around her hips, locking her there. My talons scratching through her muscled skin, feeling her moan as they indented her, rocking to touch her more and more.
As I felt the first jolt of nerves as her thumb claimed its prize. Squirming to get it where I needed. Gasping when I felt her push and drag her thumb into swirls, that jerked my body into spasms as I felt the want build. I held my breath, feeling every nerve ending and muscle in my body shudder, tremble. Felt the spreading electricity flash like a lightning bolt as my orgasm hit, throwing the breath from my lungs along with her name.
” Kattttttttt… tttt… lllinn…..nnnnnnnnnn.”
Her mouth covered mine, her tongue dipping to catch each vowel and consonant, breathing her own ragged breath into my lungs. But her hand didn’t stop its assault, it still pushed and retreated, never slowing, filling me so completely inside that I wanted to cry. Shifting down, her mouth engulfed my nipple, teasing, sucking, chewing, tugging. Her free hand blazing a trail over my face, I drew her fingers into my mouth, sucking, feeling her jerk a groan at the first touch.
Our hips started a faster tempo against each other, feeling within the first orgasm that was still sending tremors, another one building and snaking, throwing my insides higher into a tight ball of fire. Each grunt and push sent jumping shots onto my already vibrating nerve endings, rippling power into my already jerking muscles as it grew. My leg moved harder against her wetness… when she bit down hard on my nipple the second hit, its strength and intensity drove me upwards, lifting us both off the floor as my body arched to the point I heard my back crack. My breath was gone, my heart hammered in my chest, and throughout my body I felt the quickening of liquid silver as it rushed through my blood.
” Oh… ba…by.”
I flew, I danced, I soared, and then I froze…. Higher than I had ever been with her… suspended in a place that scared me. I held there, feeling every part of her meld to me…held there until I started to see the gray of mist in my eyes and the dots of stars… I needed to breathe. I slammed back into my body with a cry, finally giving my arched back and straining muscles relief… laying there breathless, with my body jerking tiny twitches, butterflies dancing on my skin, feeling the sweat run from every pore as I tried to gulp air into my burning lungs. She bit my neck, my shoulder, anything that was near, her words of love being enforced with each one. Then slowly our rocking fell into a deeper rhythm, it was like a siren’s song that was pulling us both towards the rocks that would shatter us at any minute. Neither of us caring, so lost in each other, in the moment, that every part of our bodies moved in perfect time.
When I felt her essence snake down my thigh again like a river, I growled, feeling my mouth water. God I need to taste her. I quickly grabbed her hips, and with straining muscles and a cry of surprise from her, I lifted her up locking my limbs until I could scoot myself quickly down, only lowering when I was sure I was going to claim my prize… She bucked against my mouth as my lips closed over her wetness, hearing her long drawn out groan and hissed, ” Yessssssssssssssss.” through clenched teeth.
I let my tongue take one long lick before I thrust it as far as I could inside her. My hand going to rest on her stomach, feeling both that muscle and the one my tongue clenched with a….jolt. Her head tilted back with a gasp, and my eyes devoured the sight of her breasts drawn taut and erect twin-peaks dancing in the firelight. She ground herself against my mouth, and I felt a new wash of her flood my senses. I bathed my tongue, lapping, flicking, caressing. Her hips rocked, each movement sending a long drawn out groan from deep within her throat. Her head moved, tilted and turned, falling forward so that her hair obscured her face from me for a moment. I drew her fully into my mouth and gently bit down onto the part of her that pulsed against my tongue. She shot straight again with a cry of my name, I held onto her, nearly losing my grip as her muscles convulsed for a moment. Ambrosia, her ambrosia washed over my tongue again and I felt my own weep free from the taste of her.
I groaned her name onto flesh, and started the pace I knew she loved and needed, steady licks and swirls across her, mapping every ridge, every pulse point, dipping inside so deep she yelled and bucked and fell forward, her hand going to my hair entangling her fingers and pulling. The force sent my scalp into tingles. Her movements carnal, wild, as she rubbed herself up and across my mouth, my name became her mantra… She raised slightly, so that every muscle was shuddering in her calf as she bucked the tempo she needed, her hips rocking to her own internal beat. Low groans rumbled through her body making my wetness increase and my already strained heart pause and buck in my chest. Her pace paused for a moment, holding her body taut as the tip of my tongue flicked lightly, her eyes closed now and all the time her hand never left my hair as she rode me…
I felt the quiver first on the jeweled bud in my mouth, felt the hitching of her heartrate, watched transfixed as a droplet of sweat weaved a trail down her temple, her neck, gather others and snake between her breasts to pool and become lost in the already flooded part of her glistening curls. A low dangerous growl worked its way from her throat as I sensed her orgasm begging to be let free. Her eyes looked at me in pleading. I smiled as I drew her into my mouth, keeping my tongue still on the throbbing orb, letting its own pulse beat stamp out the touch on my skin. I felt her free hand search for mine and I grabbed it, not even wincing as my limb was crushed in the vice of her strength. Then I sucked deeper and held her down against me, locking her there with no chance of ever getting away. A strangled scream came from her now open mouth in between trying to draw air into her lungs. Her head shot back, her neck muscles tight, straining with the power of it all. My eyes locked onto the pulse at her neck, singing the same beat to the pulse point I held under my tongue, she pushed down harder and I let the muscle in my mouth go free to dance. She groaned an almost primeval sound that rumbled through me again, then her head shot forward, her breaths coming with gasps and moans, and our eyes locked…. Her whole body a mass of trembles, and in that one frozen moment I saw the truth in her again…. She would never give me up. She was mine as much as I was hers.
It hit me hard, just as hard as the orgasm that raked across her body like an unseen hand that seemed to control and manipulate every pore, every fibre, every nerve, every muscle. Sending ripples into each part of her. I didn’t stop, even as I felt her flood me again to the point I was swallowing just to breathe, I ate her, I licked her, I consumed her, I devoured her, feeling my own orgasm rip through me again and again. She lent as far forward as she could so that her breasts were just above me, swinging like a hypnotist’s watch, enrapturing my eyes. With both hands she cupped my face, her full weight on mine now, I felt my jaw protesting but I didn’t care. And the whole time, the tip of my tongue still danced with her.
She closed her eyes as another small quake rippled throughout, letting out a half whispered hum, then she forced her eyes open, tears coming to them tenfold and I felt my matching ones. Her voice low and hoarse as she spoke.
” Don’t le…ave me Lee….”
She shuddered, her breath hitching a notch as another spasm hit, forcing her eyes closed for a moment and tears to tumble, I felt her twitch against my tongue. Her eyes opened again and her head tilted as she drew in a half sobbed breath, her hands removing the sweat from my forehead, and my hair back from my face, her palm cupping my cheek.
” I n…eed…. Y……ou bab..y.. So mu…ch.”
As her tears struck, I felt her fill my mouth, my ears burning from the long drawn-out sound of her release as her body exploded in pleasure. She arched so far into a bow, I bent my knees up so that she could lean on them…feeling the sweat of her back send tears down over my legs. I soared with her, feeling my own tears and sobs as my body twitched and joined her in the flight, totally lost in the feelings of pain, loss, want, need and love, all of it I tasted in her tears. Then I let my tongue slow and finally just opened my mouth as I drank.
I don’t know how long I was lost in the feelings, but soon I realized that the jolts and shudders I could feel from her were more than the aftermath. My muscles felt like cotton wool, but I found some strength somewhere to lift her off my face and slide under her. I came up behind and wrapped my arms around her shuddering body, my quivering legs going either side of her as I drew her back to sit on my lap, moaning as her burning skin sent a spasm of pleasure as they came into contact with my sensitive nipples. Her hands came up fast, and wrapped tightly around mine. Her fingers digging in as if were she to let go she would be lost. The sobs raked her already exhausted form, and I didn’t have to check to know I was weeping just as much. I nuzzled my face into her hair, inhaling her scent. She lifted her head, looking back over her shoulder at me as far as she could, her hands digging again into my forearms.
” Don’…. Don’t lea…ve.”
I shook my head ferociously, unable to find words.
” Ev….. err..r. I…. I…. cou…ldn’t…..Lee I….. Coul…dn’t.”
Another bigger sob engulfed her, crumpling her face into an image of pure agony. I grabbed her as tight as I could, kissing her neck, her ears. Finally finding my voice.
” We’ll fin…. d a…way baby….. …. We’ll find a ….way.”
She twisted suddenly, her arms going around my neck, pulling me to her in an unbreakable vice.
” I love…ve you. Only you… god…only you.”
I echoed her words as I buried my lips into her neck, and I held on to that lifeline, the one that I always do, when the voices have been silenced and the serpent within slain. The lifeline that keeps me from drowning in a world without her. Right then I knew that something had changed that night, maybe it was an end in a way for us…the end of the fantasy. We both knew now that what we had wasn’t enough for either of us anymore. Maybe we did have a chance of more, I didn’t really know. But the other choice was to not have anything together, and neither of us could live with that.
But I knew as I lifted her up and carried her to our bed, and laid next to her and stared into her eyes, so closely wrapped together that every inhale was the others exhale, I knew it was time to step out of the shadows and into the sun…. Even if it did burn us both alive…
Continued in Inferno